


Hogwarts High: A Group Chat Collective

by honeylune



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Attempt at Humor, Cell Phones, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, F/M, Humor, Kinda, M/M, Texting, gen z humor, heterophobia, i just didnt think they were important enough to merit their own character tag, just a fun fyi, lol, there are actually a lot more characters than what's listed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:46:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27252886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeylune/pseuds/honeylune
Summary: In which all of our favorite wizards attend Hogwarts High, home of the Phoenixes! These teenaged wizards communicate with each other via the new instant-messaging device: Hoot! Sold in any Wizarding shopping center near you! This magic-powered device allows you to communicate with anyone else with a Hoot!In other words: Harry Potter in group chat format but Gen-Z and with magic phones lol
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 52





	1. on the topic of the yule ball

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this au can be summarized with the following changes:  
> \- american-style high school with school dances, pep rallies, extra cirriculars, etc (but this school is somehow in london? the rules of this universe are vague lol. imagine something like sex education on netflix) (yes i changed location from scotland to london)  
> \- gen z humor (but modern slang escapes most purebloods)  
> \- no horcruxes (meaning baby harry successfully defeated voldemort. so still no parents rip but he has a pretty normal schooling experience)  
> \- also bc i’m asian and angry, cho chang’s name is now cho chanmi and she’s Korean (but she still goes by cho)
> 
> ages for now:  
> grade 9: ginny, luna  
> grade 10: golden trio, draco, etc  
> grade 11: fred, george, cho, cedric  
> grade 12: percy  
> i’ll be “texting” from a different person’s pov depending on the context of the chapter! and now let us begin :)

**_Today_ ** _11:55 AM_

 **_hermione79_ ** _created a Group Chat._

 **_hermione79_ ** _invited **FireboltSupreme, king-weasley, Gingersnap, ferd,** and **goog** to the Group Chat._

 **_hermione79_ ** _changed the Group Chat name to “Group Chat”._

**ferd**

wow

**goog**

showstopping

**ferd**

how long did it take you to think of such an incredible name

**hermione79**

Excuse me

Who painstakingly taught all of you how to type, again?

**ferd**

i’m sorry who is this

your username is very vague

**goog**

lol

**hermione79**

Who taught George acronyms?

**FireboltSupreme**

Guilty :P

**king-weasley**

What does lol mean

**goog**

i’m not george

**ferd**

he’s not george

i’m george

**goog**

he’s george

**FireboltSupreme**

Wait what

Who’s who?

**king-weasley**

What does lol mean

**hermione97**

Oh lord

**goog**

present

why do you call upon my name, mortal

**_Gingersnap_ ** _has changed the Group Chat name to “stop texting im in class and mcgonagall is four seconds away from taking away my hoot”._

**goog**

lame

**ferd**

haha loser

mcgonagall’s taken my hoot six times

**FireboltSupreme**

That isn’t a flex?

**Gingersnap**

if u guys keep blowing up my hoot im adding percy to this chat.

this is a threat.

**king-weasley**

What does lol mean

???

**FireboltSupreme**

Ron haven’t you figured it out yet?

**king-weasley**

????

No??

How could I have figured it out when no one’s telling me what it means

**FireboltSupreme**

Lol

**king-weasley**

WHAT

**hermione79**

Ronald it means “laugh out loud”

Everyone stop texting, Ginny is in class

**goog**

yeah everyone stop texting

it’s

very

distracting

and

bad

for

**Gingersnap**

STOP IT

**goog**

ginny

u

inconsiderate

twits

**FireboltSupreme**

Ginny it’s twelve you should be out of class now

?

Also Hermione did you make this group chat in class :o

**hermione79**

I got let out of Arithmancy early

Which is why I’m using my Hoot, because I don’t text in class

**king-weasley**

Imagine being proud of following rules

**ferd**

couldn’t be me

**goog**

nor me

haha idiot

**hermione79**

Excuse me for wanting to be educated

**goog**

are you saying we aren’t ejukated :(

**hermione79**

Yes.

**_goog_ ** _removed **hermione79** from the Group Chat._

 **_goog_ ** _changed the Group Chat name to “quidditch bitchez only xx”._

**ferd**

AHAHAHA

**FireboltSupreme**

I mean

She did make the group chat

****

**_ferd_ ** _removed **FireboltSupreme** from the Group Chat._

**Gingersnap**

Hermione could u help me with runes later

wait

what

**goog**

shh

it had to be done

**_Gingersnap_ ** _invited **hermione79** and **FireboltSupreme** to the Group Chat._

**hermione79**

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT I CREATED THE GROUPCHAT.

**goog**

yes i can

**ferd**

yes he can lol he just did

**goog**

and i’ll do it again woman

**_hermione79_ ** _turned on Admin Control._

**goog**

HECK

**FireboltSupreme**

Why did I get kicked out :/

**ferd**

idk lol

felt like it

**hermione79**

Also Ginny—yes, I can help you with Runes later

**king-weasley**

What does idk mean

**hermione79**

I don’t know

**goog**

oh this should be fun

**king-weasley**

Well then can someone who does know tell me please

**FireboltSupreme**

Tell you what Ron?

**king-weasley**

????

What does idk mean

??

**ferd**

i don’t know lol

**king-weasley**

YOU WERE THE ONE WHO USED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE

**Gingersnap**

It stands for the phrase “i don’t know” u thick twit.

**king-weasley**

I hate you all

**goog**

ಥ_ಥ

**hermione79**

How on Earth did you do that?

**goog**

talent.

something you probably haven’t heard of

bc it’s the one thing you can’t find in books luv

**FireboltSupreme**

Oof

**hermione79**

…

**king-weasley**

Haha!

That’s a good L.O.L. right there

**ferd**

absolutely not never do that again

**hermione79**

Anyway

!

I’ve made this group chat for Friday’s Yule Ball

I imagine it’ll be very hectic trying to get everyone at the same place at the same time

So I thought a group chat would be nice for communication purposes

**ferd**

well that’s just ground breaking isn’t it

using a group chat for communication purposes???

**goog**

you sound like an actual alien explaining the functions of a group chat

**hermione79**

Well

Seeing as I had to explain the concept of the “backspace” key for well over an hour, I thought I would have to be specific with my explanations.

**king-weasley**

IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE WHERE DO THE LETTERS GO WHEN YOU DELETE THEM

????????

**goog**

wait that’s actually a good point

**hermione79**

NO IT’S NOT

**FireboltSupreme**

Where are you lot?

Ron and Ive been sat here all alone for five minutes

**hermione79**

I’ll be at lunch shortly, I’ve just gone to my locker

**Gingersnap**

Im eating lunch with someone else today

**ferd**

oh no

not you sitting alone with ron, harry

cho will think you’re a bloody loser

**goog**

tru

**king-weasley**

Ginny we can see you

Are you REALLY eating lunch with Michael Corner????

**goog**

michael corner

ur eating lunch w MICHAEL CORNER

that’s a marriage contract that is

**Gingersnap**

??

hes literally my date to the yule ball???

the dance is tomorrow why wouldnt i sit with him

how is this a marriage contract??

**ferd**

A BLOODY MARRIAGE CONTRACT.

**Gingersnap**

ok virgins ❤️

**_Gingersnap_** _changed the Group Chat name to “yule ball tingz_ _💃_ ”.

**ferd**

😾 😾 😾

**king-weasley**

What

What the fuck are those

**FireboltSupreme**

Please Ron I’m sitting right next to you I just told you what they were

**hermione79**

They’re called “emojis”

They’re from your picture keyboard on the bottom left of your screen

**king-weasley**

Oh thanks Hermione

**FireboltSupreme**

That’s exactly what I told you :(

**ferd**

it’s being the third wheel when ur literally the chosen one for me

**FireboltSupreme**

**😔**

**hermione79**

Plans for tomorrow night below

!!!!!!

17:00 we will all arrive at Harry’s house

Percy will help take our photos

At 17:30 we’ll eat a light dinner

18:15 we leave by Floo Powder

And we should all be at school at around 18:20

And we’ll Floo back at around 21:00. 

**FireboltSupreme**

Yeet yeet

@Weasleys you lot sure that Percy doesn’t want to come?

**goog**

yeah

**ferd**

he’s still not over the breakup

poor bloke

**Gingersnap**

hell be alright

hes been through worse

**king-weasley**

He hasn’t left his room in two weeks

**Gingersnap**

yeah that’s already better than the time he got an e last semester

**ferd**

^^^^^^

at least this time around we aren’t subject to his anger

**goog**

he was punching more holes in walls than mum could mend

**hermione79**

Also, Harry

Are you sure Remus is okay with making dinner for all of us?

I could come by early to help if necessary

**FireboltSupreme**

Yeah, he’s got it

Sirius said he’ll help

**Gingersnap**

well in that case

im horrified.

**FireboltSupreme**

Hey! Sirius can cook

**hermione79**

…

I may have to agree with Ginny on this one, Harry

Please tell Sirius to be careful

My dress is mostly white.

**FireboltSupreme**

He won’t wreck the kitchen again

!!!

Swear

**ferd**

a g a i n

**king-weasley**

I agree with Harry

I think it’ll be fine, Sirius is an adult

**_Today_ ** _1:28 PM_

_Direct Chat with: **R.Lupin**_

**gRim.God**

Hey just so you know I couldn’t find turkey at the shop so I bought sixty sausage links instead I hope that’s alright xxx

**R.Lupin**

Why the fuck did I marry you


	2. actually at the yule ball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> is draco entitled or is he a simp? you decide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey gang! sorry for the delay for y'all who've been waiting. thanks so much for getting a kick out of my little stress reliever :'))

**_Today_ ** _5:38 PM_

**_ferd_ ** _created a Group Chat._

**_ferd_ ** _invited **FireboltSupreme, king-weasley,** and **goog** to the Group Chat._

**_ferd_ ** _renamed the Group Chat to “the boiyz”._

**ferd**

hello lads

how we enjoying the dinner so far

**FireboltSupreme**

It’s pretty sausage-y

**ferd**

omg right like how is it even possible to have this much

what deli lets you leave with fourteen pigs worth of sausage

**FireboltSupreme**

Wait

This isn’t Hermione’s group chat

What’s this for

**king-weasley**

Yeah Fred what’s is this group chat for?

**goog**

read the title lil bro

the boiyz

the lads

the blokes

etc

and also, im fred you idiot

**FireboltSupreme**

Yes, we recognize that we are all of the male species

But

What is this for exactly

**king-weasley**

You’re usernames are so confusing

**ferd**

one ur grammar sucks

two bc we need to make IMPRESSIONS tonite fellas

**king-weasly**

You’re coming at me for grammar???

YOU

**goog**

it’s called a writing style you daft hippo

**FireboltSupreme**

Impressions?

What’s that supposed to mean

**king-weasley**

What the fuck sort of insult is hippo

???

**ferd**

well we’d just thought it’d be nice to watch each other’s backs

**goog**

seeing as harry will be doing his damned hardest to not to fold at the mere sight of cho

and ron will be struggling to keep his food in his mouth whilst talking to literally his best friend

**ferd**

and me and fred will be watching to see when we can slip dungbombs into the slytherin’s drinks

**FireboltSupreme**

That sounds borderline problematic

**goog**

oh we’ll only do it to the blokes

they deserve it trust me

**ferd**

yeah they’re slytherin blokes it’s alright

slytherin house takes m*n and somehow makes them even worse

**king-weasley**

Why would I struggle to keep food in my mouth around Harry?

**FireboltSupreme**

I think he means Hermione mate

**goog**

^

**king-weasley**

STOP I DO NOT LIKE HERMIONE

**ferd**

oh well that’s a relief

heard she’s meaning to dance with mclaggen tonight

**king-weasley**

What the fuck

Who did you hear that from?

But she told me she thought he was “boorish”

**FireboltSupreme**

…

M8

**ferd**

that’s what i thought

anyways my point is

we’ve all got our plans for the nite

so we’ll keep an eye out for one another when our persons of interest r near

bc we’re friends xxxxxxxxxx

**FireboltSupreme**

Wow

You really want to spike Flint’s drink don’t you

**goog**

he took my bludgers bat from my hands and then hit george with it

yes we want to fuckin spike his drink

**king-weasley**

Wait

Is Hermione talking to McLaggen or not?

**FireboltSupreme**

🤦♂️

**_Today_ ** _6:17 PM_

**goog**

hello boiyz i have arrived

you lot here?

**FireboltSupreme**

In a few minutes we will be

We’re going after Ginny and Hermione

Sirius says he wants to come along for a bit too

So we’ll meet you inside?

You two can head in first

**goog**

ok

but whys sirius coming tho

**FireboltSupreme**

He said he’s nostalgic and just wants to see all the decorations

**ferd**

ok we’re heading in first

see you two later

and keep an eye out for the slytherins!! !!! !!!!!

and let us know pls and thanking yous x

**FireboltSupreme**

Okay we’re just walking in

**_Today_ ** _6:32_

_Group Chat: “the three_ _💯musketeers_ _🚶_ ___🚶_ ___🚶_ ___”_

**조**

Omg

Did you see who just walked in????

**boot.too.big**

OMG YES

how is he SO FUCKING HOT

**조**

That man has absolutely NO business being that fine

Who is he again

Harry’s godfather?

**boot.too.big**

he can be MY god daddy

bloody fucking hell

**Edgymary**

Hello

??

He’s literally an ex-convict???

**boot.too.big**

👁️👅👁️

stop i can only get so aroused

**조**

JAIL

I’m crying 😭😭😭

**boot.too.big**

jail is RIGHT 😤

id have fucked off to azkaban years ago had i known it held that HUNK of a man

_Group Chat: “the boiyz”_

**king-weasley**

Harry

Cho and all her friends were staring as we walked in

Like

Proper STARING

**goog**

personally i don’t see it

but i’m glad to hear she thinks you clean up well harry x

**FireboltSupreme**

Idk

I mean

I thought she was looking too but I’m not sure

Should I talk to her?

**king-weasley**

100% mate

She’s into you

She has to be

****

_Group Chat: “the three_ _💯musketeers_ _🚶_ ___🚶_ ___🚶_ ___”_

**조**

Sirius Black can ✨rail me✨

_Group Chat: “the boiyz”_

**ferd**

ok harry here’s the deal

u like cho n cho likes u

she stared at u

technically, she made the first move

so now it’s your turn

**FireboltSupreme**

Wot

**king-weasley**

No he’s right that’s definitely how it works

**FireboltSupreme**

No offense Ron but your confirmation on this matter does little to comfort me

**king-weasly**

Hey fuck off

Stop being a twat and talk to her

**FireboltSupreme**

But her friends are with her

That’s entirely too awkward

**goog**

literally all we’re saying to do is pop in and say hi

we’re not even saying compliment her

the bar is literally on the floor, mate

**ferd**

oh it’s six feet under, the bar

**FireboltSupreme**

Alright alright

Fine

I’ll go in a few minutes after Terry and Mariette have cleared off

**ferd**

cleared off?? why are you expecting that to happen??

have you got even a single clue how women work harry

**goog**

he hasn’t a single idea george

**king-weasley**

Please change your usernames

Also McLaggen is actually talking to Hermione???

I thought that was a joke??????

**FireboltSupreme**

Wait is she actually?

**goog**

huh. look at that

**ferd**

good for her

**king-weasley**

Are you fucking joking

**goog**

agreed

he’s a solid nine

**FireboltSupreme**

Eh I disagree

**king-weasley**

THANK YOU

**FireboltSupreme**

Oh

Erm

I was going to say he’s an easy 10 actually

**king-weasley**

Oh fuck off the lot of you

I have terrible friends

**ferd**

who told you we were friends?

**_Today_ ** _7:02 PM_

_Group Chat: “_ _🐍Slyther INto that_ _🐱”_

**Goylegobbles69**

Draco

Draco

Draco

Draco

Draco

Draco

**TheElite**

What the fuck do you want?

**_TheElite_ ** _changed the Group Chat name to “Slytherins”._

**Goylegobbles69**

I’ve lost crabbe

I don’t know where he’s off to have you seen him

**TheElite**

No

Stop texting

I’m trying to speak with someone.

**Pinchers**

By trying to speak with someone do you mean that you’ve been starting at potter for three entire minutes

**Goylegobbles69**

Vin where the fuck where you

My lines don’t work if you don’t play off them

Ross dumped her blody drink on me

**TheElite**

You likely deserved it hetero

And shut your fat mouth Crabbe I haven’t taken a single glance in his direction.

**Pinchers**

I’ve just been stood by the snack table

One: excellent source of pineapple pastries

Two: fantastic place to observe the masses

For example

Draco has been staring at potter who has been staring at cho who has been staring at his first his literal godfather and now diggory

Needless to say, I’m beyond entertained

**TheElite**

Yeah because no one wants to dance with your fat arse

**Pinchers**

Hey don’t be fucking mad at me that the one person you want to dance with fucking hates you

**TheElite**

He does not HATE me.

**Goylegobbles69**

I’ve litrally heard Potter say the words “I hate draco Malfoy” verbatim four times this week alone

**TheElite**

BECAUSE THAT IDIOT WON’T EVEN SPEAK WITH ME.

I say one off thing about his loser friends in year six

ONE BLOODY THING

He’s so ridiculously loyal that it makes him blind and a fucking moron.

**Pinchers**

Every time you tell us this you somehow manage to insult his friends

And the point flies over your blond head every time

**TheElite**

What the fuck

Since when were you a literary analyst? Piss off

**Goylegobbles69**

Listen mate you know we’re completely cool with you being gayly obsessed with potter

But can you maybe not make it youre entire personality

This is litrally all of our conversations

And get the fuck over here vin these Hufflepuff girls just neared

**TheElite**

Excuse me what

Gayly obsessed?

**Goylegobbes69**

You know

Like being obsessed, but gay

**TheElite**

And why is that distinction necessary exactly?

**Pinchers**

This is really the route you’re taking draco

And not the obsessed bit?

Says quite a lot doesn’t it

**_Goylegobbles69_ ** _changed the Group Chat name to: “_ _🐍Slyther INto that_ _🐱”._

**TheElite**

STOP MAKING THAT THE GROUP CHAT NAME

**Goylegobbles69**

I litrally made this group chat

**Pinchers**

That is true draco he did make the group chat

**TheElite**

This is so homophobic

**_TheElite_ ** _has left the Group Chat._

**Goylegobbles69**

What did I do I was being inclusive

**Pinchers**

I don’t know

Just add him back later he always comes back

I’m coming over now though

Want a pineapple pastry?

**Goylegobbles69**

Yeah thanks

Also can you gerRRR/:::///-;’122232rrrR

**Pinchers**

What

What the fuck

**_Today_ ** _7:12 PM_

_Group Chat: “the boiyz”_

**goog**

AHAHAHAHAAA

DID YOU BLOKES SEE THAT

**ferd**

oh the look on goyle’s face

delicious.

**goog**

one dungbomb down four to go

hello

?

**ferd**

hello boiyz

are we there

**king-weasley**

Yeah we’re sat on the stairs outside right now

So we didn’t see anything

**goog**

aw why not >:(

it was a good one

**ferd**

harry

did u talk to cho?

**FireboltSupreme**

Yeah

**goog**

aw that doesn’t sound like chipper harry to me

what’s happened

**king-weasley**

We went over there and Cho kept asking about Sirius

Which wasn’t the best conversation for Harry to have again

**ferd**

im sorry what

again?

**goog**

ur telling me this is a repeated occurrence

ppl talking to harry just so they can ask about his weirdly hot god father

**FireboltSupreme**

:(

**king-weasley**

Oh leave him alone

It’s alright mate

I tried to talk to Hermione about McLaggen and she yelled at me

**FireboltSupreme**

Why would that make me feel better

She’s my friend both of you are literally my best friends

**goog**

aren’t u guys sitting right next to each other

why r u texting this

**ferd**

this is just upsetting

isn’t it fred

**king-weasley**

Please change your usernames I’m literally so confused

**ferd**

ugh

fine

for u lil bro x

**_ferd_ ** _changed their username to **gerd.**_

**_goog_ ** _changed their username to **foog.**_

****

**foog**

we apologize for any inconveniences our four letter names may have caused on ur knut sized brain <3

**king-weasley**

I swear on Merlin’s grave I’m going to snap one day

**gerd**

ok

when u do just make sure it’s ur neck ❤️

**FireboltSupreme**

Lol

**foog**

ahh there he is

if u guys come back soon we’ll help u lob a dungbomb into draco’s drink harry

**FireboltSupreme**

Really?

**gerd**

but of course harry boy

come along now children

many more slytherin nights for us to ruin

u too ron

**king-weasley**

Coming!

**FireboltSupreme**

:’)

I like this group chat

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading yall! my twitter handle is @honeylune_ao3 if you want to personally send me hate mail lmao
> 
> \--
> 
> trans rights are human rights.


End file.
